What does it mean to be a SAHM?

I would like to think my oldest friends would refer to me as someone who enjoyed having a good time, was stylish, was always punctual, and had interesting things to talk about. I used to have a career where the promotions involved pay raises (now they just involve caring for more children) and I was able to enjoy a lunch break or 60 minutes of peace in the car to and from my way to work. Well today I am a stay at home mom to 3 boys under the age of 4.

I was talking with some of my fellow mom friends and it prompted me to write this blog post for all the SAHMs out there. First, let me preface this by saying this isn't a comparison. I'm not saying my life is harder than someone who doesn't have children with the demands from a stressful job or a medical concern. I'm not saying staying home is harder that someone who is a working parent. I also know that being a single parent or parent whose spouse is deployed can only be ten times harder than what I'm experiencing so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt ;-) I'm just being real!

THE MOM FRUMP

What is the mom frump and why do SAHMs exhibit this? Before you start beating me up on why my brows aren't waxed or why my 3 inch stilettos are covered in 2 inches of dust, let me explain.

I wear Crocs 24/7 - If you carry a baby on your hip all day and spent the last three years in and out of maternity clothes as your weight fluctuated 40 pounds, you would too. My feet are my vehicle and I'm on them all day. I'm still in my PJs at noon and don't shower until after the kids go to bed. Why? Because I roll out of bed when the kids start screaming at 6am. So you may ask: why is it, then, that even though I'm tired (like everyone else in the world) I still can't look cute like the models in VS who are lounging around in their PINK sweatsuits? I buy my clothes at Target because it's cheaper, easier, and honestly, Mossimo has some pretty cute shit. I don't have that natural glow any more. I've aged 10 years in only 3 and while I can apply makeup in only 3 minutes (which used to take 30) I've chosen to spend the 10 minutes it would take to shower, dress, and make myself presentable to huff down a pop-tart and a cup of coffee. I can't even take a 2 minute restroom break without having someone screaming and banging on the other side of the door. I am plain and simple physically exhausted. Not only am I up at night with a baby, I go to bed at 11 because I'm up paying bills, doing laundry, washing dishes, responding to e-mails, and did I mention that I have a part-time job I work (because being a mom is a full time job whether you are at-home all day or not!) after the kids are in bed? The reason I can't do any of these things during the day is because I'm changing diapers, ensuring safety, taking kids to activities, cooking 3 meals for 4 other people (half or which I'm preparing different meals for each person), picking up toys, hand washing bottles, breaking up fights, and preventing original artwork from my children to cover my walls. Being a mother means it takes me 45 minutes to do something that takes someone else 15. A simple trip to the Walgreens pharmacy drive through requires at least one hour of getting the kids fed, pottied, changed, dressed and in the car. My recycling bin is the evidence that Amazon.com is losing money off their PRIME memberships.

FREE TIME

This is really just a joke. But then there's nap time... where I get to do fun things like this, update my blog, send e-mails to friends asking their opinion on car seats, making appointments with pediatricians, shopping for my groceries online (actually shopping IN the store is physically not possible), and researching whatever it is I've planned 6 months in advance. If I'm REALLY lucky during the boys nap time (where I get a full 30-40 minutes where they overlap) I will lay down myself and have PEACE! This isn't because I have nothing better to do, but it's to rejuvenate. To prepare for the afternoon... the witching hours. Because my life is a full on marathon, and there's never a time to break. It's no wonder I don't feel romantic at the end of the night!

But you're thinking, Lisa.... I KNOW you have free time - after all you update Facebook about 100 times a day. You got me... I do check FB... a lot. This is my connection to the outside world. It truly is my 'social network'. How crazy and lonely would you feel if you spent 24/7 cooped up in a house where the only interaction you received was from your son screaming to wipe his ass or sharing 3 words between your husband before you both trudge off to work when the kids are down. I check FB in between replenishing cereal & sippy cups, organizing 1 of 110 train toys, or cleaning up the crumbs off the floor. A 20 second FB breather is a gift I give to myself.

I will say that I am lucky enough to have dual monitors (with my job its more of a necessity) and let the boys watch YouTube videos of Thomas while I order diapers, edit photos, or research occupational therapists on the other screen. It's really relaxing when I have my lap full of three kids (literally) on a full bladder who are eating my lunch right out from under me. (And everyone wonders how I've kept the baby weight off!) 'Chatting' on the phone is reserved for those SPECIAL MOMENTS where I lock myself in a room to make a calls to my insurance company (the claim was denied?!), my clients, or to schedule appointments. Heaven help me if I try and have a personal conversation with my husband, mother, or a friend on the phone. I reserve the 8 minute car ride to the library while the kids are strapped down to do things like that.

So I do have the opportunity to watch Bachelor Pad and Jersey Shore. Ever heard of a DVR? It takes me about one full week to get through 3 hours of programing. 10 minutes here, 5 minutes there. If I'm lucky I'll get 15 minutes while I feed the baby a bottle. That's my 'break'. I live varcariously through Snooki as I watch her party till dawn and sleep until noon.

I have 3 books I'm dying to read right now. But they come behind all of the self-help books I'm reading about Autism, Photography, or getting my infant to sleep through the night.

WEEKENDS

My weekends? They aren't spent frolicking in the fields with my kids while Seth and I enjoy a picnic lunch. Those are spent at Costco, mowing the grass, soccer practice, church (ummm, we need to work on this one), cleaning the house, attending birthday parties/weddings/etc. or spending time on my career as a photographer as this is when other people make time for family portraits. Single friends can't understand why we just can't "hang out" like we used to. First, finding a sitter to watch our children is like asking someone to sit in an Ape House for 5 hours. And we don't want to put that on anyone. When we are fortunate enough to hire a sitter, a night out virtually doubles in cost.

CONFESSIONS

I admit to bribing my children with gummy bears and trips to the park to get 5 minutes to complete a task. I admit to playing movies... on repeat. I admit I leave my children in their PJ until its time for their next bath. I also threaten them that cops or monsters will get them if they don't do as I say. I admit I'm not perfect. But that's part of being a mom.

PEACE
My peace is in the dentist chair, hospital bed, or sitting in traffic where I can listen to noise that doesn't involve Dora or Curious George. And of course my 'girl time' - when I get a few hours a month when all the other moms get together and see a movie, drink some wine, and enjoy dinner without having to worry about anyone else.

Soooo, if you're a parent, you understand. You've made sacricies. Not only financially but you've invested your time, your energy, and love. I just recently questioned one of AJ's preschool teachers (who has 5 children of her own and runs a preschool for 2 year olds out of her basement) "ARE YOU CRAZY"? Her response was a great reminder of why we have and love our children. She said there is no greater joy than seeing toddlers learn something new, or see their face light up when they are happy. It really is the purpose of my life! I am very blessed to have three wonderful and loving boys, despite all I've just written.

I've been told the days are long and years are short. It is true... while I'll never feel like I have enough time in the day to do the things I want I look back at Ben just two short years ago and feel sad b/c I don't remember the days (to be honest, I don't remember what I ate for breakfast this morning either). This it truly is an adventure I'll never regret, no matter how many FB status updates tell you otherwise!

Vacation Part 2 - Lake Greenwood

The 2nd part of our vacation was spent with Grandmom & Pop-pop in Ninety Six, SC. This is where the REAL vacation starts for us as we get to sleep in, relax on the boat, golf (for Seth), and enjoy time ALONE from the kids while Grandmom watches the boys.

This year we spent a lot of time on the boat. The boys really enjoyed it which made it more fun for everyone!

We also spent time at the pool and even Thomas got to take a dip as well and he really enjoyed it!

Other activities included going to Emerald Farms, fishing (Ben caught his first fish!) and tubing off the back of the boat!

The trip home didn't go as planned as we had to make a pit stop in NC due to insanity. We thought leaving in the afternoon would give us at least a few hours of peace while we drove at night. A huge storm set us back and we realized we'd best stay the night in a hotel before we drove off the road.

The debate is still out on whether that was a good idea or not.

Needless to say we enjoyed lunch on the road the following morning in style and arrived home in one piece.

Looking forward to our next visit on the Lake! Thanks again Grandmom & Pop-pop!!

Vacation Part 1 - Hilton Head

Phew... what an amazing, yet exhausting past two weeks we have had!! We've returned in one piece (though feeling 10 years older after our car-time) and I'm ready to share some photos from our trip!!

Our friends Amanda & Jude and our Godson Henry joined us at the beach this year. And of course we made daily stops over at the Bayless house on the beach to play with the Olivers!

We even received a very thoughtful care package from Uncle Jon & Aunt Cori. HOW SWEET and what a nice surprise!!

Every year we tell ourselves that 'next year will be better & easier'. Well each year we seem to be adding another child to the Clan so let's pray we stay a Party of 5 for now.

Between daily trips to the beach, bike rides, pool time, and just spending quality time together as a family the vacation was a success. Thomas slept in the closet, but I figure this is how many parents treat their third child. Right?

At least Daddy got to sleep in peace.

The boys enjoyed the beach a lot this year... Ben driving his trains in the sand and AJ liked getting splashed by the waves (in no more than 3" of water)

And it wouldn't be a 'Hilton Head' vacation without ice cream from the Salty Dog!

Or a visit to Harbor Fest at Shelter Cove

Thomas spend most of the week trying to stay cool and/or teething and blowing out his diapers every 2 hours.

And AJ, well, he just kept his fuzzy head together making us laugh

Next stop was Lake Greenwood. Coming soon!

One of many colors on the Spectrum

I was recently shared this perfect narrative on raising a child with special needs. Most of you may already know a little bit of my family history, but for those of you that don't, this short video will give you a little more information on how special Ben is.

Between the struggles we had with Ben & AJ as infants (through GERD, ulcers, colic, sensory aversions, etc) it was only after we sought therapy for them last summer for the sensory integration disorder and feeding difficulties that I was certain Ben wasn't like other children his age. On May 27th my heart broke as my initial self-diagnosis of Ben was confirmed. I had been seeking answers for almost a year, waiting patiently on wait-lists, researching information, calling the county for help, reading countless books, and I wanted the diagnosis so I could move on. And here we are. My son is on the Autism spectrum and has been labeled with Aspergers.

We've had a crazy few months between the new addition of Thomas and bouncing back and forth between the developmental pediatrician, developmental psychologist, and neurologist. We're on the waiting list at Hopkins for a 2nd opinion as one doctor says he's on the spectrum and the other is hesitant to label him right now. The psychologist from the county also gave Ben a label of high-functioning Autism. Everyone has their own diagnosis for Ben, but I knew in my heart long ago that Ben was probably on the autism spectrum. Even close friends and family sometimes question this diagnosis. But his teachers, nanny, and those who spend the most time with him in a number of different environments recognize that he is different from other children his age.

We are fighting with the county to get him the assistance he needs - since his symptoms and behaviors are very slight it's hard to see that he may need help. We keep hearing over and over- "Ben is bright. He's above average intelligence. He plays great with his brother and has good communication." What isn't seen in a 30 or even 60 minute evaluation is that he struggles in playing and relating with his peers, he's a little quirky, his sensory issues still exist, he gets upset when we do things out of routine, and he can have severe meltdowns or anxiety over something small (such as when our nanny showing up wearing glasses one day). I have no doubt that Ben will overcome these problems and be a healthy and happy boy once we get him the treatment he deserves.

I have been trying my best to keep busy, pushing Ben's limits by enrolling him in camps, swim lessons, tumbles, library time, etc. He was in occupational therapy (until my insurance denied it) and has Floor Time therapy from a local Social Worker. All of this in part is driving me insane but even these small strides have made a world of difference. I'm so thankful that Ben & AJ have one another - always.

While this blog has primarily been of sharing photos, videos, and an attempt at humor, I will also be focusing on the progress we will be making as a family. This will be my therapy. Thanks for sharing in our journey!